Lima Beans and Forgiveness

The wood paneling came half-way up the wall, where it met our circa-seventies wall-paper: an off-white background with flowers – gold, orange, green, – kind of smallish flowers, in vertical rows, with brown lines. Nearly 20 years ago I was sitting at the dining room table: staring at the wall in front of me, then back to the 12 or so lima beans on my plate, at the wall in front of me, and back to my plate. I’d been there for an eternity or, more likely, probably 20 minutes. Maybe 30, or 45. It felt like days, and this was not a one-time incident... I was convinced my cruel parents were conspiring against me because they wanted me to be miserable.

I was too stubborn to just give in and eat something that I hated; I didn’t care if it was “good for me.” But I respected my parents too much to just leave the beans on my plate and get up from the table. I was torn between wanting things my way (dessert without eating vegetables) and wanting to obey. Eventually I learned tricks: I could hold my nose when I swallowed or smother the vegetables in ketchup and not taste them. I could also hide them in something else on my plate (a little left over meatloaf), show the plate (void of lima beans) for approval, then promptly discard the leftovers (and evidence) in the trash. Or, my personal favorite, put them in my mouth, then wipe my mouth with my napkin and spit them into it (I think I learned that one from my brother).
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Ten years later, I was on a date with Adam. We were at a fantastic Italian restaurant and he about fell off his chair laughing at me as I contorted my face in disgust and took another bite of a dark green leafy salad; it was FULL of antioxidants and reminiscent of leaves straight from a tree in your back yard. Meanwhile, Adam was thoroughly enjoying his pasta, “I don’t understand why you would order something that you know you don’t like; what a waste! Eat something you like!”

“But it’s good for me, and I want to be healthy.”

It’s true: I made it to the age of 28 without eating all my vegetables. And, despite my defiant childhood, I apparently got the message that sometimes we eat un-fun things – because they’re good for us.
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A few weeks ago, I realized that I have lived 28 years without ever having to forgive someone that I really wanted to hate. The “that I really wanted to hate” part is an important qualifier. Because I’ve been in situations where I needed to forgive – and have been able to do so.

Sometimes, forgiveness is manageable because the offense is relatively small. Although I wanted to stay mad to prove a point, it ended up not being worth the mental and emotional energy necessary to stay angry and vengeful at someone that I really liked and cared about.

Other times, I forgave out of sheer convenience. It is inconvenient to hold a grudge against someone with whom we really need to interact every day. Whether it is a spouse, coworker, teacher – avoiding that person, being rude to him/her, and not working together just creates additional difficulty. Furthermore, it can be “unprofessional,” where there is a job to do or a task to complete. So, in order to continue working towards a greater cause, in order to not be irresponsible, we must work respectfully with the offender… reconciliation becomes possible, in light of the bigger picture.

Where friends or family have done hurtful things, forgiveness results because, at the end of the day, we have a history. And history has taught me that this person really loves me. History means I can trust that “unconditional love” motivated the person to be willing to hurt my feelings in order to expose truth, inspire growth, or to improve ultimate well-being. And where their motives were impure and their actions were self-centered, history provides a catalogue of priceless memories and a foundation that concludes, “Our relationship is worth far more than clinging to anger regarding this particular incident.”

The circumstances brewing here for the past several months don’t fit within my very limited exercises in forgiveness. This experience is different from times where I felt hurt by someone I knew, loved, respected, or cared about. It’s a situation where I have been hurt and have watched people be hurt deeply. Not just “oops, that was a thoughtless thing I did” kind of unintentional offenses. People have been taken advantage of and victimized. They’ve been wounded. I’ve been wounded. And the people who were in a position to help the wounded continue to fail miserably, increasingly so. Thus, the cancer grows: no longer angry just at the original offender, I learned that there were more people offending others, plus those who, through inaction or misaction, facilitated (and continue to facilitate) the injuries.

And so, without a friendship or a common history, without a basic appreciation of the instigators and perpetuators, without any signs that they are even remotely remorseful for the hurt caused, without respect for their personal or professional lives, without a bond of some kind, without something – anything – that would serve to make me think that they deserve forgiveness… and without the option for completely avoiding these individuals… I opted out of forgiveness.

It has surprised me – the extent to which I can harbor feelings of fury and resentment, longing not only for justice and retribution, but for flat-out revenge. Like the, I-want-you-to-hurt-bad variety or I-want-your-name-slandered – in-NEON, preferably.

So, refusing to move beyond what they had done; I pitched a tent and camped there. And every time I had to interact with the offenders, I would convey a reminder that their actions were wrong, that I had not forgotten, and that we would NOT be sweeping this under the rug and moving on. Instead, I camped there in their mis-deeds, shooting distress flares into the sky (as often as possible) to notify anyone (who failed to miss the obvious signs) of where exactly I stood on the issues.

Although I don’t remember when I made the decision to hold on to the anger, I have been conscious of its presence for months. The burden was present as I put my feet on the floor to start my day, and it stayed with me. It cropped up in my interactions with others that I wasn’t even mad at. It rapidly morphed from anger into revenge, then hopelessness, flourished into bitterness, and then burgeoned into misery. Despair, is impossible to ignore.

Unfamiliar with the destructive nature that results from carrying around unforgiveness, it took some time to realize that the bitterness and depression eating away at me, the chasm separating me from the Lord – was my own choice to not let go of the wrongs of others.

And then, suspecting that the Lord wanted me to forgive the offenders, the real struggle began. Determined to cling to the truth that what these people had done was wrong and they need to “pay” for it, I did what I imagine most would do when they feel that the Lord is ignoring someone else’s wrong, or that He’s not protecting or defending as He should, or that He’s not living up to His promises, His word, or His character… I added the Lord to my list of offenders. Meanwhile, I worked really hard to convince myself that I liked being angry – and I’m sure part of me did. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel more right, or more vindicated, I felt more miserable.

Eventually, I asked the Lord what He wanted me to do. Through scriptures, books, prayer time, teachings from our pastor in the US, the counsel of wise friends, Spiderman 3 (I’m not kidding!) and Truth impressed on my heart, the Lord said He wanted me to forgive. “I don’t want to and I don’t even know how to. I can’t.” This was half true; what I left out was my feeling, “They don’t deserve it.” The response I heard spoke to what I had left un-uttered: “Neither did you.” Along with a firm reminder that Jesus hung on the cross for my sins so that I could be forgiven, before I was born, without my having done anything “deserving” of Salvation. “It’s obvious, through your misery, that this decision to be angry is not working. You CAN forgive them, out of the forgiveness I gave you. So, is it that you CAN’T or you WON’T?”

What’s amazing is that, in addition to all the truths that confirmed that forgiveness was what the Lord wanted, there was an additional clarification…
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Forgiveness compares to eating vegetables. They’re not fun to eat; I’m never enticed by the thought of devouring a plate of vegetables. I prefer chocolate and peanut butter and Crispy Cream donuts. Vices aside, invariably, after eating vegetables, my body feels better. And my body responds really well to nutrients – improved functioning, more energy, clarity of thought, decreased headaches. Vegetables provide nutrients that even equip my body to fight off illnesses and diseases that can kill me (kind of like unforgiveness, apparently)… from the inside out.

My knowledge of the benefits of vegetables does not change the fact that I sometimes eat terribly because I like the taste of those terrible foods or because it is sometimes more convenient to eat junk. Just last week I had a Snickers for lunch, followed by a piece of cake for dessert. Interesting how I like the immediate sensations; but it’s not really fulfilling, and it makes my body feel like trash. Eventually, I start to show outward signs… the evidence that I’m consuming unwholesome food is confirmed by my increasing pants size.

I also think that some of those other times I forgave people were nothing more than tricks for making my lima beans disappear, so I could go do what I wanted.

I have never had cause to forgive just for the sake of forgiving, just because it’s good and right. In the past, I forgave because it served my best interest – I wanted to get down from the table and play and it wasn’t worth wasting the whole night at the table. Or I wanted what would only come after I forgave: I had to finish my vegetables first if I wanted to eat dessert. Or I forgave because I could cover it in ketchup, ignoring the harsh realities of the lima bean taste and texture.

There are times in my life where I have thought the Lord’s standards for our behavior (“Eat your vegetables.”) were punctuated with, “Because I said so.” Other times, it seems that the Lord sets standards that are motivated out of love and consideration for others. Despite my best wrestling, arguing, and avoidance tactics, I am certain that the Lord is setting forgiveness and unconditional love – including praying for my enemies and the whole nine yards – as the standard. Man, has that ever been hard to swallow! I have thought that perhaps the Lord, like my parents, was conspiring against me to make me miserable.

And while my forgiveness is to be selfless, I also feel the Lord saying, “Mindy, I want you to forgive – really forgive and love unconditionally – despite the fact that what was done was wrong. Not just because I said so, but because it’s GOOD for YOU.”

Not “good for you,” as in, “you’ll get dessert when you do this,” or because forgiveness is a great manipulation tactic for getting what I want. But GOOD FOR YOU, as in “I know it’s hard to swallow, but this will give you what you need for Life.” (And, furthermore, “We can stay here as long as it takes. I’m doing this because I love you and I want you to be healthy.”)

I’ve concluded that forgiving others (at age 28) compares with having to eat my vegetables (age 5-15). And I have the same dining room table choices! 1) The spit-it-in-the-napkin DECEPTION trick, 2) The leave-the-table-and-accept-the-consequences; at-least-I-don’t-have-to-eat-the-lima-beans AVOIDANCE option. or 3) The hold-your-nose-and-swallow / do-whatever-it-takes-to-be-OBEDIENT option. Neither task is necessarily pleasurable; in fact, both can be incredibly difficult. Painfully so. It strikes me as interesting that my parents never force-fed vegetables to me, and the Lord hasn’t forced me to choose forgiveness.

So, I sit staring at a plate full of lima bean forgiveness, wanting to choose obedience and praying for grace to accept and endure what is NOT ENJOYABLE, in order to ultimately enjoy real Life.

[Sidenote: There is a phenomenal sermon by Steve DeNeff at College Wesleyan Church, that indirectly addresses these matters called “The Midnight Hour” (date: 8/12/07). It’s available as an I-Tunes podcast, or you can go to their website www.collegewes.com – I’d say that it’s one of the most powerful, needed messages I’ve ever heard.]